Nothing.

My Dad always said that if you didn’t like something on TV you could always change the channel (or turn it off). Too bad you can’t do the same with people.

A couple of months ago I was introduced to a couple who had moved here from the Bay Area last year. It was at the Public House (now permanently closed due to the MADNESS) for a evening of Trivia. Early in the evening the wife turned to me and aked “What do you do?” An innocent question, but I forgot to don my Persona (The mask we all wear when interacting with the outside world.) so I responded with the first thing that came to mind:  “Nothing.” Apparently this was not only the wrong response, it was an inappropriately wrong response because she countered with a sarcastic “Don’t you read or…?” Her upper lip practically snarling.

Now, if I had politely excused myself (perhaps citing a headache that just would not go away) there certainly would’ve been some residual bad vibes left behind. So while I would’ve liked to have left after her rather ill-mannered response, etiquette (and my upbringing) dictated that I “turn the other cheek”. With the aid of a couple glasses of wine the rest of the evening was spent amicably enough, although I was relieved when it ended. I began to realize how much we invest emotionally in even the slightest interaction with other people. Sometimes it can be downright exhausting.

This morning I started thinking about that incident and the whole SOCIAL DISTANCING going on now. I have close friends who are being deeply affected (albeit in different ways) by the MADNESS. I am also very aware of the ripple-effect this has on people who have lost their jobs and who knows when those jobs will return. I feel very fortunate to live in California – with its temperate weather – and my heart goes out to the people living in NYC. I am empathetic to those who have lost loved ones, who are scared they’ll lose the roof over their heads, or who wonder how they’ll feed their children.

And I am not making light of this MADNESS and the havoc it’s wreaking on the world when I say that I have experienced no change. Zip. I’m am as isolated as I have ever been in my life and, except for being unable to have dinner/drinks in town (9.5 miles away) and missing my weekly volunteer time at the cat shelter, I am enduring no hardships whatsoever. I feel no guilt. Instead I’m experiencing a sense of numbness. Like I’m walking in a fog.

The difficulties which have plagued me the last 2-1/2 years, culiminating in the death of Diego and a depression which had me questioning my own mortality, have taken their toll on me emotionally. I feel like a PC whose available disk space is 1% and whose CPU is running at 100%. I am simply tapped out.

Recently I participated in a free 5-Day Tarot Reading Makeover Challenge. At the end of the Challenge, Biddy Tarot offered their Certification Course at a discounted rate. What piqued my interest was that it included a 12-month membership to the Biddy Tarot Community which hooks you up with people wanting free Tarot readings. (These readings help hone your skills and gain confidence as a Tarot reader.) The idea of connecting with people, people who had similar interests, electrified me. But when I sat with it for a day I realized that I wasn’t ready to connect with anyone right now. I have no energy for it.

On my Power Walk today a woman driving past stopped her car to speak to me. She introduced herself (Cecilia?) and said that she’s just moved up here recently and that they (hubby? boyfriend? girlfriend?) were practicing SOCIAL DISTANCING. She mentioned that she’d seen me walking and that perhaps she might join me some day (needing to “get out”). I tried to be polite, but I really wanted her to go away and leave me be. My Walks are my only “moments of Zen” – and there’s no way I’m sharing this quiet time walking and talking with someone else. So you see, I’m really no good to anyone right now.

Unhappy and frustrated I pulled a Tarot card. I asked “What do I do? I don’t know what to do with myself.” I drew the Lord of Rest from Strife. It’s time for a much-needed break from worry and the stress it brings. So I guess it’s OK to keep operating on a less-than-optimal capacity…

In closing, I would like to say this:  I love writing about trivial and mundane things. I have become more comfortable communicating my thoughts, ideas, and (sometimes painful) emotions, as well. I hope you find House M – intriguing (or at least amusing). Please feel free to comment on anything you see here and thank you so much for visiting my site.

ℳ –

3 responses to “Nothing.

  1. You’re so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything like this before. So nice to find somebody with some original thoughts on this subject. realy thank you for starting this up. this website is something that is needed on the web, someone with a little originality. useful job for bringing something new to the internet!

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