February 17, 2022
I am sitting at my desk – my altar – burning an incense stick while praying to the Mother Goddess. Rose, for the heart. The curling smoke rising from the stick is a living thing. Yet ghostly. Curling one moment, blowing smoke rings the next. Twisting and turning. It fills my room with purifying smoke.
This space is sacred. Protected. Safe. It is alive with the essence of all that I am.
October 3, 2021
Not swimming but in a large pool with a tiger and a red fox (whose chin I briefly scratched). Later, a male lion appears but doesn’t get in the water. Then we all leave the pool.
Both cats symbolize feminine energy, however the male lion may be more masculine than feminine. Swimmimg pools indicate a need to reconnect with the subconscious mind. FOXES represent insight, cleverness, cunning, and resourcefulness. LIONS symbolize great strength, courage, aggression, and power. TIGERS embody power. The pleasant experience with the fox means positive changes are afoot.
August 7, 2021
One has to be careful and articulate, but when dealing with small-minds it’s ever so fun to fuck with them.
July 23, 2021
Please tell me what I’m missing here. I have recently been tracking these numbers at home and according to Johns Hopkins, the # of cases as of July 12, 2021 = 33,853,948. Just now JH is reporting 34,281,864 cases. So in eleven days the # of cases increased by 427,916. Yet this article states “Over the last two weeks, COVID cases have skyrocketed by nearly 200 percent nationwide.” Where are they getting their numbers because I show 427,916 to be an increase of 1.26% (or 0.0126). It was a significant jump but nowhere near 200%…
July 21, 2021
I hate everyone AND everything EXCEPT those creatures who are being cared for by certain organizations I support, the people who work at said organizations, creatures who are other than humanoid (i.e., animal-life), AND AND AND AND the people in my life. Fuck everyone else.
July 12, 2021
U.S. Population: 333,017,687 [source]
Deaths from Jinn: 607,156 [source]
Percentage = .18% (or .0018)
(Jinn cases: 33,853,948)
July 11, 2021
Tim’s dad passed away. I am so glad I got to visit with him earlier this year. RIP Alf, your bright light will be missed.
July 10, 2021
Tim’s Dad is on a ventilator after having an operation earlier this week. An exploratory a few months back showed a mass in his colon that needed to be removed. Now, he’s not been in any pain or discomfort but the doctors were concerned it might be cancer. So he went in under the knife and never snapped back. Sitting up in bed wore him out. Then we were told his ammonia levels were elevated and the doctors didn’t know why. They opened him back up and found…nothing. No signs of infection or anything. The next day he was admitted to the ICU with several teams of doctors monitoring him: heart, liver, kidneys. They were all stumped so they stopped his blood pressure meds to see if that would help. Now Tim’s family is being told to consider taking him off life-support.
I know what caused either his kidneys or liver (or both) to shut-down. Spike proteins.
Tim’s father had gotten the COVID jab – both rounds.
Worst “Side Effect” Ever
June 10, 2021
If anyone doubts that the draconian tactics and strong-arming of this past year HAS NOT been purely politically motivated (i.e., “they” could care less about our well-being) in the hopes of covering their pathetic asses, this should put that baby to rest:
The California Department of Public Health announced Wednesday that it will align mask guidance with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention beginning June 15, when the state reopens its economy and drops the color-coded tier system.
Unvaccinated individuals will be required to continue wearing face coverings in indoor public settings and businesses. (This is funny. See keep reading.)
Fully vaccinated people can generally resume everyday activities without wearing a face covering starting Tuesday, but there are a few exceptions.
Masks will be required in some limited situations regardless of vaccination status in the following situations, according to the Department of Public Health, including:
1) Public transit
2) Schools and child care centers (pending updated CDC guidance)
3) Health care and long-term care facilities
5) Emergency or homeless shelters
The state is calling on businesses to have signage requiring unvaccinated people to wear face coverings, but they are not required to ask customers their vaccination status. If someone enters store and restaurant or other business without a mask, the owner and other customers can assume that person is vaccinated. (Guess I’m “free and clear”.)
April 31, 2021
March 31, 2021
“Declare that a vaccine passport mandate helps encourage people to take the shots. (Unlike the other nine elements of the vaccine passport mandate propaganda template, this one is likely true. Threats can yield compliance. Still, the threats could deter some people from taking the experimental coronavirus vaccine shots. It sure makes you wonder about shots’ supposed safety when an extreme, and unprecedented, act of force is employed to ensure people take the shots.) States Caplan in the interview: “It also gives you an incentive to overcome vaccine hesitancy. Some people are not sure still whether they want to do the vaccine, but if you promise them more mobility, more ability to get a job, more ability to get travel, that’s a very powerful incentive to actually achieve fuller vaccination.” What Caplan is really talking about is coercion. He is saying that people who would otherwise refuse taking the shots will be forced to do so by the vaccine passport mandate severely restricting their activities and even depriving them of the ability to earn an income so long as they do not give in to the demand they take the shots. All this authoritarianism is dressed up in deceptive language. “Vaccine hesitancy” is substituted for “vaccine refusal” to disguise that the vaccine passport mandate is about stopping people from exercising free choice. “Incentive” is substituted for “coercive technique.”
March 22, 2021
Having lived with two of the mangy mutts for longer than I care to, I will say I hate pit bulls – and pit bull mixes. That breed could become extinct tomorrow and I wouldn’t be happier.
March 9, 2021
“In the course of our conversation, the retired judge doesn’t hold back. He asserts that it is becoming morally acceptable to ignore Covid regulations, and even warns that a campaign of “civil disobedience” has already begun.”
“On civil disobedience:”
Sometimes the most public spirited thing that you can do with despotic laws like these is to ignore them. I think that if the government persists long enough with locking people down, depending on the severity of the lockdown, civil disobedience is likely to be the result. It will be discrete civil disobedience in the classic English way — I don’t think that we are likely to go onto the streets waving banners. I think we will just calmly decide that we are not going to pay any attention to this. There are some things you have to pay attention to: you can’t go to a shop if it’s closed. On the other hand, you can invite friends round for a drink, whatever Mr Hancock says. People are doing that to some extent already.
Everyone will have their own different threshold. But I think that in the eyes of many people who disapprove of the lockdown, and some people who approve of it, we’ve reached that point quite a long time ago.
“On the ethics of law-breaking:”
I feel sad that we have the kind of laws which public-spirited people may need to break. I have always taken a line on this, which is probably different from that of most of my former colleagues. I do not believe that there is a moral obligation to obey the law… You have to have a high degree of respect, both for the object that the law is trying to achieve, and for the way that it’s been achieved. Some laws invite breach. I think this is one of them.
“On sacrificing civil liberties:”
[Thomas] Hobbes believed in the absolute state — it didn’t have to be a monarchy, but it had to be absolute. He said that there was nothing short of the state actually killing people that the state should not be entitled to do. He was not, let us say, a believer in liberty. This is because of his experience of the anarchy which flowed from the civil war in England. Hobbes believed that we resign our freedoms unconditionally and permanently into the hands of the state, in return for security. Now, this is a model which ever since the rise of a recognisable form of modern Liberalism in the middle of the 19th century, has been almost universally rejected. But we have tended to revert to it during the current crisis. And I think that that is a very striking and very sinister development.
“On the dangers of public fear:”
John Stuart Mill regarded public sentiment and public fear as the principal threat to a liberal democracy. The tendency would be for it to influence policies in a way that whittles away the island within which we are entitled to control our lives to next to nothing. That’s what he regarded as the big danger. It didn’t happen in his own lifetime; it has happened in many countries in the 20th century, and it’s happening in Britain now.
“On the fragility of democracy:”
Democracy is inherently fragile. We have an idea that it’s a very robust system. But democracies have existed for about 150 years. In this country, I think you could say that they existed from the second half of the of the 19th century — they are not the norm. Democracies were regarded in ancient times as inherently self-destructive ways of government. Because, said Aristotle, democracies naturally turn themselves into tyranny. Because the populace will always be a sucker for a demagogue who will turn himself into an absolute ruler…
“On what the Government should learn:”
My first proposal is that governments should not treat information as a tool for manipulating public behaviour. They should be calmer than the majority of their citizens; they should be completely objective. My second lesson would be that governments dealing with scientific issues should not allow themselves to be influenced by a single caucus of scientists. They should always test what they are being told in a way that, for instance, judges test expert opinion by producing a counter expert, and working out which set of views stacks up best.
January 29, 2021
Under the “purple tier”:
“Outdoor dining may resume, subject to the Mandatory Directive for Dining. Indoor dining remains prohibited. Bars, breweries, distilleries, and pubs may serve alcohol only outdoors and only in the same transaction as a meal.”
WTF? Drinking outdoors without consuming food makes you – what? More susceptible to The Jinn? Will draw The Jinn to you and others around you like a magnet? WHAT THE FUCK????????????????????????????????????????????
January 28, 2021
Earlier this month, a San Francisco television station reported:
The Embarcadero was virtually empty Saturday night amidst a light drizzle. It’ll likely stay relatively quiet, since San Francisco has extended its stay-at-home and 10-day travel quarantine orders indefinitely. UCSF infectious disease expert and medical director of the HIV Clinic at Zuckerberg San Francisco General Hospital Director Dr. Monica Gandhi says the city’s decision is not data-driven.
“We never reached those hospitalizations or ICU capacity concerns that the state had set as metrics for this degree of shutdown,” she said. “And then to continue it indefinitely, as kind of our New Year’s present to San Francisco, didn’t make sense to me.”
San Francisco is in better shape than most of the Bay Area and the state of California. Currently about 30% of ICU beds are still available. The latest 7-day average of new cases daily is 206 as of December 25, compared with 290 on December 16. The city says preliminary data shows that the orders seemed to have slowed infections.
This fallacy is one reason why these lockdowns keep happening. All politicians have to do is order these or other restrictions, then wait until the number of cases declines. Eventually, cases will decline, even if the measures taken have nothing to do with it, so all the patient politician has to do is wait until that happens and take credit for it.
While it’s plausible that lockdowns may contribute to the slowing of the spread of the virus, it’s also plausible that they have other negative effects. For instance, nearly three times as many people died in San Francisco last year from drug overdoses as are attributed to COVID-192. Moreover, there was an increase of 258 overdose deaths from the previous year, which is greater than the 241 COVID-19 deaths. How many, if any, of these deaths were at least partially due to the social isolation and economic hardships of the lockdowns? We don’t know, but it’s just as plausible that some of them were as that some lives were saved by the lockdown. Also, there’s just as much anecdotal evidence that lockdowns contribute to drug overdose deaths as there is that they slow the spread of COVID-193. Were more lives saved or lost due to the lockdown? We don’t know, but if you’re going to live by post hoc then you may also die by it.
San Francisco is going to start easing its lockdown this Thursday.
January 21, 2021
adj. feeling, showing or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with;
adj. (of a situation) extremely bad, serious, or dangerous;
adj. (of a person or fight) violent or dangerous
DESPERATION is in the air.
From the scientific “experts” who are grasping at anything that may work to the talking heads/officials that churn out mixed messages designed to keep us confused.
These are signs of DESPERATION.
You cannot keep a beast contained for very long before he/she attacks and breaks loose from his/her bondage. The more they tighten the noose around our necks the more DESPERATE they become to maintain control.
They are DESPERATE to keep the truth from us, but truth has a way of sneaking out in spite of their efforts – and they know this.
The very fact that measures are being rushed out and put in place is a sign of their DESPERATION. That DESPERATION is a sign they are acting out of weakness instead of strength. They know it and they know, every day, more and more of us will know it, too.
“The weak are cruel, the strong have no need to be.”
– Alice Hoffman (The Foretelling)
January 18, 2021
Dr. Fauci (October 2020):
“…the primary endpoint of most of the [vaccines] is to prevent clinical disease, to prevent symptomatic disease. Not necessarily to prevent infection… that’s a secondary endpoint. But the primary thing you want to do is that if people get infected — prevent them from getting sick. And if you prevent them from getting sick, you will ultimately prevent them from getting seriously ill. So that’s what we want to do. The first, which we call the primary endpoint, is that.”
“If the vaccine also allows you to prevent initial infection, that would be great. But what I would settle for, and all of my colleagues would settle for, is the primary endpoint—to prevent clinically recognizable disease. And that’s what we hope happens.”
Moderna, Pfizer vaccines may prevent disease, but not infection.
Dr Fauci warns that early COVID-19 vaccines will only prevent symptoms from arising – not block infection.
WHO, Fauci Warn COVID-19 Vaccines May Not Prevent Infection and Disease Transmission
January 16, 2021
At the Farmer’s Market today, a young gal who helps at one of the stalls mentioned “the vaccine” (as in everyone getting the vaccine) before California’s Great America amusement park will be able to open. Although she may be correct in assuming the park may not open this year (which means in all likelihood that Cedar Fair will shutter it completely), she is mistaken if she believes that the PTB are riding in on their white steeds to save us all. Poor deluded thing. She has drunk the Kool-Aid.
January 13, 2021
Catherine Austin Fitts has recently been pointing out that these tools are ‘vaccines’ in name only, called so to give them legal immunity from liability, when actually they are operating systems:
“Just as Gates installed an operating system in our computers, now the vision is to install an operating system in our bodies and use “viruses” to mandate an initial installation followed by regular updates. Now I appreciate why Gates and his colleagues want to call these technologies “vaccines.” If they can persuade the body politic that injectible credit cards or injectible surveillance trackers or injectable brain-macine interface nanotechnologies are “vaccines,” then they can enjoy the protection of a century or more of legal decisions and laws that support their efforts to mandate what they want to do.”
“Why are we calling these formulations “vaccines”? If I understand the history of case law, vaccines, in legal terms, are medicine. Intentional heavy metal poisoning is not medicine. Injectible surveillance components are not medicine. Injectible credit cards are not medicine. Injectible brain-machine interface is not a medicine. Immunity for insurance companies is not the creation of human immunity. We need to stop allowing these concoctions to be referred to by a word that the courts and the general population define and treat as medicine and protect from legal and financial liability.”
January 12, 2021
As I have written before, if the Democrats and the Republicans are at war as is often claimed, it is only over who gets the larger share of the spoils. Trump and Biden work for the same bosses, those I call the Umbrella People (those who own and run the country through their intelligence/military/media operatives), who produce and direct the movie that keeps so many Americans on the edge of their seats in the hope that their chosen good guy wins in the end.
[that] Trump is simply a crazy aberration who somehow slipped through the net of establishment control to rule for four years. A Neo-Nazi billionaire who emerged from a TV screen and a golden tower high above the streets of New York.
For Trump’s supporters, he seems to be a true Godsend, a real patriot who emerged out of political nowhere to restore America to its former greatness and deliver economic justice to the forgotten middle-Americans whose livelihoods have been devastated by neo-liberal economic policies and the outsourcing of jobs.
Two diametrically opposed perspectives.
But if that is so, why, despite Trump and Biden’s superficial differences – and Obama’s, Hillary Clinton’s and George W. Bush’s for that matter – have the super-rich gotten richer and richer over the decades and the war on terror continued as the military budget has increased each year and the armament industries and the Wall Street crooks continued to rake in the money at the expense of everyone else? These are a few facts that can’t be disputed. There are many more. So what’s changed under Trump? We are talking about nuances, small changes. A clown with a big mouth versus traditional, “dignified” con men.
Trump’s followers were betrayed the day he was sworn in, as Biden’s will be shortly…
January 10, 2021
From The Solari Report:
Catherine’s Planet Lockdown interview had reached 2.7MM views on the Truth Matters channel when it was taken down by YouTube over the last 24 hours. There were approximately 12,000 comments and 68,000 likes and 1,700 dislikes.
According to the filmmaker James Henry, “Here is the key line from the YouTube email telling me it was censored”:
“YouTube doesn’t allow content that explicitly disputes the efficacy of local health authorities’ or World Health Organization (WHO) guidance on social distancing and self isolation that may lead people to act against that guidance. Learn more here.”
To our knowledge, Catherine did not discuss or refer to the World Health Organization or its guidance on social distancing and self-isolation.”
Comment on an article at The Organic Prepper
“Recently my daughter and her husband both lost their jobs at the same time. My wife went to the local Safeways store to buy a month supply of groceries for both families. Of course this meant that we purchased twice as much as we normally do. When my wife wrote a check to pay the cashier, the register would not accept the check. The cashier was puzzled since we were regular customers, but said my wife would have to talk to the supervisor at the main counter. The supervisor looked to see why our purchase was not accepted. Oh, he said, I see the problem, you have exceeded your allotment. Puzzled, my wife asked what he meant. He said we track all your purchases with your discount card. We know everything you buy and when you buy it. You have suddenly doubled your purchase quantity. When people buy outside their normal usage range we have to report it to the Department of Homeland Security because it is their intent to prevent the public from hoarding. When she explained the reason for the larger purchase the supervisor allowed the purchase to go thru. My wife immediately picked up her cell phone and called me at work. She said you are not going to believe what I just experienced. Needless to say , we do not use discount cards any more.”
January 7, 2021
Both Ramses and I were awakened early this morning by the bedroom closet doors rattling. It sounded like someone (or something) had violently shook them – just once. I sat up, wide-awake. Ramses was already sitting up on the bed, staring at the closet. Nothing more happened but I suspected an earthquake, especially since my hanging plants were swaying back and forth.
Sure enough, this morning I checked and there WAS a 3.1 earthquake at 3:44am which occurred 4 miles from the East Foothills.
January 5, 2021
U.S. Population: 332,012,961 [source]
Deaths from Jinn: 353,482 [source]
Percentage = .11%
(Jinn cases: 20,817,140)
December 27, 2020
Re: “Herd immunity”. I’m not part of a “herd” because I’m not a FUCKING COW. (Literally or figuratively.)
December 13, 2020
Tomorrow Tim’s going in for outpatient surgery. His heart issues, however, make any surgery a little more serious than normal. He likes the surgeon doing the procedure which is a positive AND there’s such a beautiful vibe going on that day with the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius than I cannot help but think all will be OK. I’m just glad I’m here.
December 11, 2020
A New York Times article published Tuesday claims that even after people receive a dose of either the Pfizer or Moderna COVID-19 vaccine, they will need to wear a mask in public, marking a stark contrast to what elected leaders and health officials have implied about a return to “normal” once a vaccine arrives.
“Here’s Why Vaccinated People Still Need to Wear a Mask,” the headline reads.
“If vaccinated people are silent spreaders of the virus [emphasis mine], they may keep it circulating in their communities, putting unvaccinated people at risk,”…
OMFG – it’s the Keystone Kops running rampant EVERYWHERE. LOL!!! What a fucking joke this whole farce is. I expected nothing less from “those in charge”.
December 10, 2020
U.S. Population: 330,000,000
Deaths from Jinn: 284,000
Percentage = .09%
67,000,000 lost work between Mar. 21 and Oct. 7, 2020.
20 million were collecting unemployment on Nov. 14, 2020.
98,000 businesses have permanently closed.
As of August 26, 2020 12,000,000 workers have lost employer-sponsored health insurance.
In November, 12.4 million adults (1 in 6 renters) reported being behind in their rent.
December 6, 2020
November 27, 2020
September 15, 2020
If one needs any more proof that there’s really no distinction between Dem and Rep, liberal and conservative, left and right, just look at who the Democrats chose as their 2020 candidate. Joe Biden. I mean, really? That’s all they could come up with? Seriously? Yeah, there’s one to light a fire under my ass. He makes as much sense as Mr. Winkle.
It’s the Same Ol’ Song and Dance. Year after year, election after election. Nothing ever changes…
August 19, 2020
In the midst of yet another late-summer round of fire storms here in CA, some people are blaming the fires on the Democrats. Really? I mean, REALLY. This SHIT is just mind-blowing to me.
We are NEVER going to evolve. I need no further proof. We are idiots…
July 30, 2020
In the 20+ years Tim and I lived in this townhouse we lost many cats. In fact, all the cats we adopted together passed away during that time – except for Diego. Diego has come back home too, except in a different form.
The last couple of days I’ve seen shadows out of the corner of my eye. Usually this happens when I’m sitting here at my desk and the shadow is in the doorway. I get a sense of it coming into the room. I experienced this for three months after Ortoloni died and I knew it was his spirit.
I expected the same thing to happen when Diego passed since he and I had an even stronger bond. But it never did. I admit I was disappointed. His death DEVASTATED ME. But now I wonder if it was “that place” we were living in that he didn’t want to come back to. If so, I certainly can’t blame him.
So now I’m wondering if he’s finally saying goodbye to me in this house where we were both so happy and safe.
May 21, 2020
I will be Home May 30th. Nine days to go.
May 4, 2020
I’ll be home by the end of Summer. Home. Ramses will love racing up and down the stairs and I’ll be hanging with my best friend once again.
Thank you, Mother Goddess, for answering my prayers.
April 10, 2020
Finally installed something that the cat couldn’t climb over and the dog(s) wouldn’t try to bust through.
March 25, 2020
In the midst of this MADNESS, and the personal issues I have been dealing with prior to the start of this MADNESS, I am constantly reminding myself of those that are dealing with unemployment, eviction, illness, and worse. California certainly has it better than New York City: What Homeless Women and Children in NYC Are Facing During the Coronavirus Crisis.
Thank you, Mother Goddess, for the roof over our heads (Ramses and I), food in our bellies, and our good health.
March 22, 2020
Tim’s Mom passed away at 2:00 this morning. In the midst of this ridiculous COVID “lock down” bullshit. He can’t even go to see his Dad right now. Fortunately, he has his sisters and oldest son to support him – especially since I can’t be there.
I asked him to let me know when the memorial will be (her body is to be transported to San Jose, then cremated) and he said that it’s probably not a good idea that I come. Apparently his family wasn’t told that he and I had been separated for two years prior to me leaving. No wonder everybody hates my guts.
I’ve never cheated on someone. EVER. But the Femme Fatale has always been my “Archteype” growing-up, so I guess I must wear this crown of thorns even if I didn’t earn it…
March 17, 2020
I feel I should mention the Coronavirus “pandemic” – if only to document a point of time. A little humor: If I got it would it be named the “Coronita” virus? Hahahaha. As usual, overreaction to this thing is running rampant. Fortunately, it has not affected me ’cause I rarely get to leave this fucking house to begin with. I’m a caged creature, pure and simple.
I am a little worried about Tim because of his on-going heart issues, but yesterday he told me that CGA is shuttering its doors for three weeks and sent all employees home. I breathed a sign of relief. Mother Goddess, keep him safe. Tim also said he’s grandpapa to two little girls. His oldest son, Ryan, now has three kids (one son, two girls). His dad’s been in the hospital and misses his wife (understandably). Neither of Tim’s sisters have been to see their parents since they moved to Porterville. I wish I was there in Santa Clara. I wish I was there for Tim in more than just spirit. I feel a million miles away.
M’s kids are out of school for two weeks and their Mom is working from home. She’s pleaded with M to take them ’cause “she needs a break”. (Nothing more needs to be said.) I’ll just hide out in the bedroom as usual with earplugs in place.
Biding my time. Trusting that the Universe will get me the fuck out of here – eventually. I’ve put in a request that my break happens before the close of 2020. I’m having lots of dreams about moving. One of those will come true.
March 13, 2020
Aah, Friday the 13th. The calm before the storm. Literally. It’s been unusually warm and sunny the last week. All that’s coming to an end tomorrow. This spring storm (with snow flurries) is due to last for quite a few days. Better get in my walk today while I can…
I’m done beating myself up. I’m done being depressed. I’m done allowing myself to be emotionally manipulated. No more. The happy circumstances that played out this week reminded me that Hope Springs Eternal. I have been given the chance to repair a friendship that I’ve missed so very much. I have been given the chance to do something for someone I care deeply about. My life suddenly seems brighter. I’m feeling hopeful and happy for the first time in a LONG TIME.
No matter the outcome, I’ve turned the corner. My life is going to change for the better.
One way or another, I WILL find my way back home. Santa Clara. Where I belong.
March 11, 2020
Yesterday I found out that Tim’s mother is dying. He reached out to me in an email: “Wish you were here to help me through this. You always seemed to know what to say.” As I read that, my first response was “I wish I was there, too.” – and then I broke down in tears. This was me finally being real with myself. Tim and I talked on the phone where I also discovered: his father has dementia, that both parents are living in an assisted living seniors complex, that he’s been dealing with new health issues involving his heart, and that he’d gone in to have his defibrillator replaced. I realized how much I miss him. His friendship. He and Jill are the two most important people in my life. And here I am in Hootersville. Away from my two best friends. Away from HOME.
I told Tim I was here for him. Bless his heart, he got a bit choked-up.
I’ve never blamed any of the men (or women) in my life for anything that happened in my life. However, I also never pointed blame at myself. I am doing that now. I am to blame for what’s happened. I am overwhelmed with feelings of both shame and remorse. For where I am. For where Tim is. I caused him so much pain. I am also in more pain and dispair than I could’ve ever imagined. To the point where just a couple of months ago I was seriously considering eating the barrel of a handgun. Seriously considering it. (This is, in itself, painful to admit.)
Then came Ramses. My lifesaver. The pain is still here, but now I have another’s life to consider. A life that’s more important than whatever I’m going through.
I am SO homesick. I wish I could “turn back time” and undo all the bad decisions and mistakes I’ve made these last few years. But I can’t. All I can do is try and move forward.
February 19, 2020
As I was drifting off to sleep last night it occurred to me that were it not for moving to Hootersville and Diego’s death, Ramses and I would’ve never become “Ramses and I”. Thinking in terms of Diego having to die in order for Ramses to come live with me is something I do not want to consider. However, Ramses has softened my losses. He makes it more bearable here – especially with Diego gone. I feel like making the choice I did to move here is not a total bust. Ramses is my only light in this world of darkness and I am grateful for him.
February 6, 2020
Yesterday I heard from my friend in Daly City. He sent me pictures of plant cuttings I’d given him a couple of years ago. He has quite the green thumb!
Aside from two of my girlfriends I feel quite forgotten by the people I left behind in the Bay Area…it was nice to hear from him.
January 29, 2020
How can you expect everyone to look at life exactly the way you do.
How can you expect everyone to act exactly the way you would in a given situation.
How can you expect everyone to respect you when you don’t respect them.
How can you not see this is at the root of everything.
One of last night’s dreams included lots of frogs. It was not an unpleasant dream – in other words, I was not experiencing a “plague of frogs”. Dreaming of frogs is a first for me.
A frog symbolizes life cycle, transformation, fertility, rebirth, luck, purity, ancient wisdom and the ability to intensify our intentions for reaching a desirable state of satisfaction and enlightenment. They are also symbols of resilience. Associated with the water element, it allows our physical, spiritual and energetic cleansing by connecting us with the world of feminine energies and emotions.
The second dream consisted of a couple of girlfriends and I going to California’s Great America for the day. Perhaps I’m missing spending time with my friends…
January 27, 2020
Had to file a formal complaint with Animal Services about this piece of shit (and his owner)…
January 25, 2020
Last night I had several dreams of cats. All kinds of cats. I was interacting with all of them. I remember one being an Asian Fishing Cat. I was petting him thinking how SOLID he felt. All muscle. One was a fluffy, grey-striped kitten I was holding.
The other dreams were work-related. Being in a work environment. Barbara Moore was part of one.
Most of my dreams seem to be consistently about cats and work environments/people.
Freud and Jung have associated dreams of cats with our hidden subconscious mind. To see a large group of cats gathered in your dream illustrates that there is something the wrong in life you cannot put your finger on it. It is basically a dream where you are trying to gain the wisdom that you need in order to progress in life. If you dream about cats often and often, it could also stand for the entrance of fear, worries and emotional pains. In general, cat symbolism is all about communication and intuition.
Dreaming of a job that you held in the past can indicate holding on to the past in your own life. Dreaming of an old job in this way is your psyche’s way of telling you that you need to let go and move forward in your thoughts. If you’re already retired and still dreamt of yourself doing your past job, this could also mean you’re finding it hard to move forward. If you’ve also dreamt about your colleagues being in there and interacted with them, it could merely be a matter of you missing the monotony and the social life that came with work. You may subconsciously wish to be younger and more social as well as financially-stable.
I also hate waking up from these types of dreams.
January 15, 2020
It’s been over a month since Diego passed away. Diego many times would leave a bit of his wet food from the morning when I went to give him his evening meal of dry kibble. I’d just mix in the dry with the wet and he’d munch on it during the night. If I found only a small bit of wet food I’d always praise him “You did good today.”
My new kitty, Ramses, eats 4 meals a day (wet breakfast, dry lunch, wet dinner, dry to last until breakfast) Well, this evening I was adding kibble to Ramses’ food bowl and noticed he had left a few morsels of wet. Without thinking I started to praise him when I stopped myself midway realizing he wasn’t Diego. Then I broke down in tears.
It’s always the SMALL things, isn’t it…the little habits that trip you up? Realizing that you’re still a bit “out of sync”. That you’re still only half here.
My heart still aches for you, my beloved Diego. I love you so much and miss you even more.
January 6, 2020
I am so unhappy. I am SO unhappy. I feel paralyzed by it. I snatch pieces of joy here and there. When I can. Where I can. Please, Universe, help me. PLEASE HELP ME. HELP ME. I’m giving myself up to you to steer me in the right direction at the right time. You answered a wish of mine 26 months ago. A stupid wish. A false wish. These past months I wished for peace and financial security for Diego and I, but now Diego is gone. Diego is gone. Diego is gone. Diego is gone. My rock is gone.
With this New Year I wish for a new life. One that is my own. One that is free from strife. I wish for peace, financial security, and emotional stability for myself AND Ramses. He is the last cat I will ever have the pleasure of caring for and I need his sweet spirit to help me move forward. Otherwise I am lost…
January 5, 2020
My sweet Diego. I have no idea if the stress of moving – plus dealing with an environment that proved to be less than stable and calm – caused your tumor. If so, please forgive me for putting you through it all. You are the last soul I would ever have wanted to put at risk. I saw how sensitive you were to my distress. I should’ve never left our safe haven in Santa Clara. We were happy there and I would do it all over to have you back. When I’m dead and with you at the Rainbow Bridge I will make it up to you. That time cannot come soon enough.
December 10, 2019
I lost Ortoloni Dec 4, 2011. Today I lost Diego.
My world has gone black. I cannot begin to put into words what’s going on inside me; but I know that Diego is without pain and re-connecting at the Rainbow Bridge with all the cats he grew up with (Morticia, Leathur, Lestat, Burton, and Leo).
Wait for me, Best Friend & Familiar, for I will join you very soon.
November 9, 2019
Ever hear of a band named Dope? No? You’re lucky. They are a Marilyn Manson wannabe. Their lyrics are so juvenile compared to MM.
“I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck About you and your point of view” (from I Don’t Give a Fuck)
“Let’s fuck Let’s fuck Let’s fuck Let’s fuck” (from Let’s Fuck)
“I don’t need your resistance. I don’t need your prayers. I don’t need your fucking religion. I don’t do what I’ve been told. You’re so full of shiiit. Die mother fucker die mother fucker die (Die mother fucker die mother fucker die) Die mother fucker die mother fucker die (Die mother fucker die mother fucker die) Boom! (from Die Boom Bang Burn Fuck)
Dope thinks because they use the word “fuck” in their songs it makes them tough (or “street”). Ever seen the little punk-ass singer? ‘Nuff said.
October 6, 2019
I wait for the night, when I can go to sleep; and I look forward to the morning when I can go on my Power Walk…the hours in between are nothingness.
I snatch bits of light in a world of darkness.
October 1, 2018
I was among a group of ordinary people who were to be euthanized. Not executed. Euthanized. Don’t know why. The day before the “event”, I led the group in exericise class (cardio, floor work, etc). I spent the rest of that day putting together my outfit (tight, black, spandex, big hair, stilettos, full make-up – total 80’s). The morning of the euthanasia, I had managed to include Diego being euthanized with me. My last image before waking up was of Diego and I taking our final “selfie” before meeting our fate.
To dream of euthanasia represents respectful, dignified, or peaceful end to a situation. A civilized ending to a relationship. Habits, beliefs, or situations that you are planning to get rid of by choice. Ending or changing something on your own terms. The dream signals a transformative experience or a period of self discovery. Choosing to let go. Ending a situation or relationship because it spares you of difficulties or pain in the long term.
To dream of an animal being euthanized represents an end to something you care deeply about. It may also reflect giving up peacefully or making a difficult change because it’s cleaner or less painful for the long term.
September 14, 2019
You know what’s great? Getting your hair cut. Let me re-phrase that: getting your hair cut PERFECTLY!
My hair grows über fast so it gets out-of-hand quickly. I have a brilliant stylist, Isaac Sesody. He’s been cutting my hair for years now and I don’t trust anyone but him to do the job!
September 13, 2019
Friday the 13th…the perfect day to talk about Diego. Both of us are now on antihistamines for allergies. At least, that’s what the vet suspects is going on with him. Only affects the right side of his face (eye & nose). He gets 1/2 Benadryl tablet 2-3 times a day, as needed. He’s still showing symptoms of allergies (runny eye/nose and sneezing), but not as bad as before – AND he’s eating regularly again. That’s a big thing. Means he can smell his food.
But he hates taking the pill (I’m guessing it’s bitter) and sometimes urps it right up. He’s also running from me if he thinks I’m going to “do something to him”. He’s never been like that before. The Benadryl makes him a bit sleepy, too. Diego’s just not himself. He doesn’t want to groom much anymore so I have to brush him, and make sure his claws are de-sheathed and trimmed. Although the vet pronouced him in excellent health (teeth, coat, heart, etc), I am noticing more gray/white hairs on him every week. He’s growing old before my eyes.
This is a video of him February of 2017. How much has changed (for the worse) in two years.
Diego’s also become a barometer of my moods. He can tell when I’m about to get upset. I don’t even have to raise my voice for him to be visibly affected.
I don’t know if it’s the environment up here, or the fact that he’s become very sensitive to how I feel, but I regret having put him in this situation. I am praying that whatever years he has left will be comfortable. That he remains healthy and content; and I will do everything in my power to see that happen.
August 31, 2019
August 30, 2019
This week, a group of researchers from the Royal Children’s Hospital in Australia announced they want to expand the period of adolescence, traditionally defined as the ages from 10 to 19, all the way up until a person is 24 years old.
In September of last year, a review published in scientific journal Child Development found that teenagers today were engaged in considerably less “adult” activities than teenagers in the ’90s…The report found that teens today hit major independence milestones, like getting a driver’s license, an after-school job, and an active dating life, much later than young people did 20 years ago.
…18 looks like the new 13.
…the one element most researchers seem to agree on as a major cause in this delay in development is the rise of smartphones…The ubiquity of smartphones has teens and preteens today living out a huge portion of their lives online, which would explain the significant dip in their social lives outside of their homes. Why meet up at the mall when you can just text your crush from the comfort of your couch? Why drive when you can hail an Über? Why have sex when you can watch it online? (That’s the one thing teens today are doing more than their previous generations: watching pornography.)
(I’m SO glad I decided against having kids.)
August 17, 2019
The last couple of days I had to touch every Page and Post to correct some issues regarding images – apparently WordPress had changed something in THEIR code. Looking at some of my older Posts, I realize just how many things I USED to enjoy. Activities I don’t engage in now. I don’t know why exactly.
I miss my life.
July 22, 2019
Today I was thinking of the past – of going to the De Anza Flea Market and how a stop at Lee’s Sandwiches was part of this monthly trip. I miss that. I miss the weekly jaunts to either the Sunnyvale or Cupertino Farmer’s Market (the one in town is VERY limited in its selection – not worth going to on a regular basis). I miss a lot of things I USED to do.
July 21, 2019
Guilt is one of the most insidious emotions…It is tied to the past but follows us into the present and also taints our future…it signals where we have violated one of our values.
July 20, 2019
Ever have days when the pain of something you’ve done feels like it will kill you? Like it SHOULD kill you? But yet, it never does. You wake up the next day and find no relief. Well, THAT is your penance.
May 21, 2019
In a relationship, does one respond according to their feelings or provide a pre-packaged reply? In other words, if a topic is being discussed which is NOT of a serious nature and one person doesn’t quite “get” the punchline, how should they respond? Can one be polite AND restrained or is it imperative that one wholeheartedly embrace the other’s point even if it’s not heartfelt? Or is it better to be politely honest in your reaction? If not, how does one develop the skills to be disingenuous without appearing insincere?
April 23, 2019
Game of Thrones, S8 E2
(in chronological order)
Smiles: The conversation between brothers Tyrion and Jaime; Brienne and Jaime reminiscing about how he always insulted her AND Jaime asking to serve under her command; Tormund’s embrace of Jon AND when Tormund asks if the “big woman” is still there; Theon saying he and the Ironborn will watch over Brandon while he waits for the Night King to come; Grey Worm promising Missandei he’d take her to Naath; a BIG chuckle when Sam reminds everyone he was the first to kill a White Walker AND Edd’s reaction; Tyrion and Jaime before the great hearth talking about their father’s reaction to them defending Winterfell; Brienne telling Tyrion to give only “half a cup” of wine to Pod and then seeing Tyrion fill it to the brim; Tormund joining them and saying to Brienne “This could be our last night” as he looks at her with lust – AND Brienne’s stuttered response back; Tormund’s jealous reaction to Jaime sitting next to Brienne; the “reunion” between The Hound and Arya; The Hound threatening to toss Donndarion over the wall; Young Lyanna Mormont putting Jorah in his place;
Tears: Brienne standing up for Jaime when he was taking shit from Daenerys (my distaste for her increases each season…); Sansa embracing Theon; LOTS of tears shed over Jaime knighting Brienne; and Pod singing “Jenny’s Song”
January 30, 2019
Know what I HATE? Industrial-metal fuck-shit bands!
January 27, 2019
People from all over the world have visited this site. Who are these people? What are their everyday lives like? I’m suddenly curious about how others deal with day-to-day living. What kinds of situations do they encounter?
Are they people like me – half a world away. Do we have something to share? Are they struggling with what life has thrown at them? Do they think no one understands how they feel…
January 4, 2019
Tell me, does love REALLY conquer all? I think it rips you to shreds.
September 14, 2018
One day I will forgive myself
For all my mistakes.
One day I will heal
Wounds I refuse to treat.
Today is not that day.
Today I will shut down,
Alone and undisturbed.
So I won’t be disappointed.
So I can’t disappoint.
Today I won’t give up.
Tomorrow might be different.
September 13, 2018
Last night’s dream involved me being in an urban lot where there were a lot of fences – a mix of chain-link and wood. Meandering around the scene were numerous kittens – all of which were just calmly wandering about. A couple of the fences I scaled over quite effortlessly – marveling at the strength in my arms. I actually watched my arm muscles as I climbed over one of them. Towards the end of the dream I picked-up one of the kittens – a grey one. Waking up from the dream I felt carefree, optimistic, and confident. Here’s how it breaks down:
Domesticated kittens = embarking on a new project
Traditionally, dreaming about kittens symbolized being misled; therefore, it’s important to avoid being influenced by others right now
- Grey kitten
A sign of minor disappointments and troubles that have been causing you stress
- Picking-up/holding a kitten
A good omen, signifying wish fulfillment and success in everything you’re currently doing
May show overcoming some difficulties you’ve been struggling with for some time
Symbolizes obstacles, restrictions, barriers
- Climbing over a fence
…and doing so with grace and great muscular strength = whatever problems and challenges you face will be easily conquered
September 5, 2018
Every relationship is a bit like a prison.
August 23, 2018
“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” – Deborah Reber
August 16, 2018
Today is the start of a 4-day phase of high creativity.
I’ve been asking specific questions of my Tarot each morning, and today’s was: “What strength shall I draw on today re: creativity and growth?” I drew the 10 of Pentacles.
The Lord of Wealth is governed by Mercury in Virgo (intelligent, articulate, analytical, orderly; Mercury’s gifts to humankind were writing, language, and the capacity to learn). The Number 10 stands for beginnings, potential, opportunity, ideas, and inspiration.
A card of wealth can represent the non-tangible, such as talent and creativity. Your passions manifest in your reality in diverse ways – not necessarily by owning a castle but by knowing you could own a castle if you wanted to, simply because
you create your reality with imagination and belief.
Your thoughts (which are always creative thoughts) appear in your life in some material shape or form.
Creativity is the kind of wealth that can never be lost
no matter what happens in your life.
You can always create something new.
You can always change your story.
The 10 of Pentacles is the point in your evolution where you can enjoy the skills of your own art. Now is the time to enjoy your creative passions without holding back.
July 31, 2018
First thing this morning, Diego and I lazed in bed gazing into each other’s eyes. We were so close I could see the reflection of my face in his pupils. What a wonderful way to wake up and start the day. I want to cherish each moment with
March 20, 2018
The Transformation of a Zebra Bedspread
(I now live in a fucking pig-sty…)
March 9, 2018
3-Card TAROT Spread
Tarot of Vampyres
Past – Present – Future
Temperance represents moderation, self control, and balance. It’s an indicator of an incident in the recent past when you showed a great degree of integrity and character in a situation that you could have easily tilted to your advantage. If your current situation feels like it’s spiralling out of control, Temperance is reminding you that you have the capacity to keep a clear head and view things objectively.
10 of Swords
Drawing the 10 of Swords can point to one’s personal drive toward self-realization (rebirth-renewal-regeneration).
9 of Wands
The 9 of Wands is governed by the Moon in Sagittarius. It’s the card of courage and resilience; of tremendous strength and great power; and encourages you to be flexible and strong in the face of adversity. It wants you to be patient and to keep your cool. When the 9 of Wands appears in the Future position, prepare now for a current turmoil to turn into a struggle. If things are peaceful presently, gather strength for the battle that may soon come. Make plans for diffusing tension to avoid a coming altercation from turning into a lengthy fight. Regarding love and relationships, the 9 of Wands is simply saying that you are prepared to face future challenges, and are not letting your emotions get the better of you. Although you may be in turmoil right now, you’re not ready to let go of your partner.
March 1, 2018
3-Card TAROT Spread
Tarot of Vampyres
Past – Present – Future
Queen of Pentacles
Queens are models of poise and composure and this Queen is no different. Although the Queen of Skulls has deep ties to Mother Earth, her dress is a jewel-toned plum (one of my favorite colors) instead of the expected shade of brown. The Pentagrams adorning the skull atop her throne and the one gracing her neck are symbolic of the suit of Pentacles (Earth). They’re also associated with Wicca, possessing mystical and magical properties. In the Past position, She symbolizes a situation or element of yourself that you’ve been working on bettering.
Being an Aries, I am most drawn to the movement in this card, but also love the strong masculine energy emanating from this Vampyre. The Magician has all elements at his disposal: chalice (Cups), skull (Pentacles), candle (Swords), and scepter (Wands). In combination they represent a sheer force of Will, and shows you have more power than you think you do.
Like The Magician, The Hermit combines the four elements of Tarot (scepter with chalice attached, sword, and skulls); and embodies our inner self, encouraging us to “look inside” for answers. Being a solitary and isolated figure, The Hermit encourages you to do the same. You do not have to withdraw from others, but are required to spend “quiet time” with yourself. Embrace the dark lonely realm within. Your fierce companion will keep danger at bay while your torch guides you to the truth you seek.
February 8, 2018
3-Card TAROT Spread
Tarot of Vampyres
Past – Present – Future
King of Pentacles (R)
Reversed, the King of Pentacles shows you’ve placed too much emphasis on your financial situation. Your fear has been that your future will not be stable. In addition, you’ve been feeling stuck. Part of this may be due to your inability to accept change; to “roll with the punches”.
The Hanged Man (R)
In the Present position, The Hanged Man in Reverse points to a crossroads in your life or situation. If you’re unsure which road to choose, that’s a clear sign you should wait taking action or making a decision. Also, in order to move forward and make progress, you’re going to have to stop fighting change.
Ace of Cups (R)
You’re drained emotionally and creatively. Instead of a cup filled to the brim with possibilities, it’s turned upside down allowing all its contents to spill out. To unblock your energy and bring passion back into your life, the Reversed Ace of Cups urges you to act. Generate your own momentum. Opportunities exist, but you need to move toward them – don’t wait for them to come to you.
February 7, 2018
‘Kayso, last night’s dreams all incorporated cats in them one way or another.
“A dream of cats is a link to your feminine side and is associated with females…If you are a cat lover then this dream can signify that you are going to have more insight in daily life…To dream of the domestic cat, commonly kept as a pet, can often appear in the dream state when we have strong internal emotions…Freud and Jung have associated dreams of cats with our hidden subconscious mind…if you dream of a cat then this indicates that this is a strongly symbolic dream which is representative of your own independence, relaxation, the ability to see things in front of you, and finally the unconscious mind…In addition, to see a cat which is currently dead in waking life is a subconscious sign for you to take notice of your inner feelings and interests. It is time to release your emotions…A ginger cat seen in a dream illustrates…that you need to work on your own, balancing life, and stop taking the blame for things…More than two cat’s in a dream indicates that there would be great luck but you should not be afraid to move forward in life.”
“When Women Dream of Cats…The cat in women’s dreams usually represents how the woman views herself. This personal perception includes not only how the woman thinks of herself physically but, also, how she relates to her intuition and creativity and how she sees herself in relation to men. Dreaming of healthy cats could indicate that a woman has a high level of self-confidence…(dreaming of) Healthy cats could also indicate that a woman is comfortable with her personal power. She trusts her intuition and the decisions she makes based on that intuition.”
“The cat is a symbol of loneliness and individuality. The most vivid feature of the cat is the sensitivity which shows the sensitive side of the dreamer…In Egypt culture the cat is related to Bastet – the goddess of cats, which symbolizes happiness and celebration. According to history, those who dreamed of the cats were leading happy and fulfilled life as the cat is a symbol of divinity…”
“Whenever cats appear in dreams they stand out because it usually relates to the emotional side of the dreamer…C.G Jung considered the cat to be archetypal image is present in us all. He used the term archetype in his theory of the human psyche. He believed that universal, mythic characters — archetypes — reside within the collective unconscious of people the world over. Archetypes represent fundamental human motifs of our experience as we evolved; consequentially, they bring out deep feelings of the dreamer…All humans have a shadow that might be ignored, so when the cat shows up it might allude to becoming conscious of it.”
February 1, 2018
January 25, 2018
3-Card TAROT Spread
Tarot of Vampyres
Past – Present – Future
10 of Pentacles
In the 10 of Skulls (Tarot of Vampyres), the Vampyress appears pensive. Her cup may runneth over, but she’s bored with it all.
3 of Pentacles (R)
The 3 of Pentacles Reversed suggests you’re not making progress in a situation or project and you need to ask yourself why this is. Whether the underlying cause may be intense boredom, lack of focus or concentration, or fear of failure, you’ll need to dig deeper to resolve this issue. On the other hand, you may be in a group situtation where others are causing discord or being uncooperative, thus preventing you from completing projects. In a relationship, one of you may have good intentions but is not able to sustain or follow through on them.
The Star (R)
Reversed, The Star points to needless dwelling on negative issues. Doing this will wear away at you to the point where you may give up entirely. It also indicates becoming uninspired and dissapointed with certain elements of your life. Activities you once enjoyed may be viewed as chores. You may have lost faith in a situation and are waiting for a “sign” on how to proceed. Remember that setbacks and challenges are just opportunities for growth and transformation.